To my six-year old self ~ A mi yo de seis años

To my six-year old self:

I see you. I see the pain you carry that is far too heavy for your young soul. Life hasn’t been fair to you.

Your innocent heart can’t take any more wounds, it overwhelms and floods you with darkness and you think no one sees you.

You grab a cup, fill it with the source that will end your short existence. You drink and swallow with such fear, yet a deep sense of hope. Soon it all will be over.

I see you little girl. As you grow, instead of the pain in your eyes, others see indifference, anger, perhaps sadness. But what could she be sad about? Ungrateful they think.

My darling, I can’t say that life will be easy for you. I wish I could tell you that this would be the only pain you will encounter, but it’s not. I do commend you for being so brave and true to yourself, as you tried to make it all go away. You continue pushing forward, growing up and enjoying life, not realizing the harm that was done.

Family life is not easy, harsh punishments and strict rules makes you feel like you would never live up to the expectations. At twelve you think it is all just too much to carry, you give up. The darkness surrounds your mind and you think that it’s the only way out. But you fail once again and have no choice but to get up and keep going. 

Once again you are faced with what seems like tragedy. A new country, new culture, new language. You are forced to leave everything behind with no choice or say. Yet you’re still optimistic, already planning a return that will never come. Your new life is ahead of you, but all you see is the eagerness to return home, you can’t wait to go back to how things used to be. But it all fades away as the days and weeks go by. Months turn into years, all gone.

My little lady, everyone who knows you now and knows just a tiny piece of your story, tells you how strong you are and sometimes you wish they’d stop. You want to scream, I had to learn to be strong when I was six because the guy who was paid to be my caretaker took advantage of me, and I was alone with no one to rescue me. I had to be strong in a world where I was afraid to speak up and had to carry it all by myself.

My six-year old self, although I can’t promise you have a bright future ahead of you, or that your life will turn out the way you plan it or wish it would be, I can tell you, you were never alone. You don’t believe it yet but you are extremely special. God created you and knew you before anyone else did. You are chosen and separated by Him. And you will grow to be an exceptional woman that despite the continuous imminent attacks from your fierce enemy, will stand firm and never give up. You will know the purpose of your life and it is by the faith in God fulfilling that purpose that you will overcome the evil that hurt your innocent soul.